Leaving Terra Nova at 8am tomorrow

I might write more but wanted to get this in in case I don't have time. Tonight we have dinner and then a short readings (we'll each read for a few minutes) and I don't want to rush.
So I should probably describe the structure here (not that I HAVE TO do anything, but it would make sense to explain this thing I'm doing). Women Reading Aloud is a non-profit run by Julie Maloney which provides workshops to women. She is based in NJ but has retreats in Greece and France (although this will be the last one here because this place is being sold). Most of you know I have done writing and yoga retreats before and I was looking for a similar experience. This was similar but  different in certain ways:
1- It's only for women. In this case all white and I believe straight-identified women (not that that's a requirement, but that's who showed up, at least this time). The past retreats I did were not gender-specific but both times the only dude was the guy running it.
2- The writing time is more structured than I was looking for. In the past, we talked about writing for about an hour, got a short reading assignment and suggestions for writing assignments, but then we had hours to write on our own and do what we want. And we were encouraged to do writing marathons, which consists of writing a minimum of a word a second, for hours. Also, in the past we workshopped but you only shared if you wanted. Here it's pretty much expected that you will share what you write; only myself and another person ever passed on sharing.
3- I had a feeling (and I was right) that this retreat was geared more towards fiction writers, not poets, and especially not experimental poets.

So basically what happens is we meet from 9:30am-12:30pm and we are given 1-2 prompts, we write for 5-45 minutes and then we share. Following, we give feedback and the format of this is similar to my past retreats. This retreat follows the Amherst Writing and Artist Method, which means everything is considered fiction, we only address the narrator (not the writer) and we only talk about what is working and what stays with us. This last part is especially ideal for writing that was just written a few minutes ago.
We also sometimes did "nite writes" after dinner. During the later afternoon, there might be a trip or another activity, and so there was not a ton of time to write towards my projects.
Yoga was 7:15am-8:15am with occasional afternoon or evening offerings.

I came here wanting to get to a new stage with two chapbook length manuscripts and start a new project. I got a fraction of that done. I kind of feel ok with this because I enjoyed writing in a different genre and hearing everyone's work. After the lost-luggage stress was over, I found our Kula (the name for the community created in which we support each other) pretty satisfying. Having said that, these are all things I would be considering before I decide to do the Greek retreat, which has a different set up because of the location and accommodations. I do wonder if this will have lasting effect on my work; I had been thinking about how to incorporate more narrative in my new project so dipping my toe back in may have done me good.

Another thing that had made this a pretty stress-free retreat is that because I am surrounded by older women, I am not spending energy negatively comparing myself to others. I am not at all proud of this fact but there you go. Also, because I've had my hair up this whole time, I have not had to deal with that anxiety, until I washed it earlier today and pulled out 4-5 days worth of shed (those of you who know what I have been dealing with in the hair department know what I'm talking about, and those of you who don't know can ask if you are interested). This is not to say that I've been loving myself in a bikini (especially after 8 days of serious carb-loading) but I've had a vacation from most self-consciousness. I have no doubt it will come back the same as before. I will say I realize I hate being in a bathing suit. This is about my physical experience of being in my body and it goes back to childhood (without getting too detailed). So it makes sense that, besides my belief that as a society we're way too uptight about bodies, I prefer being naked to being in a swimsuit.

Some other little details:
I have had this pain in my right side for weeks now. I thought it was from working out but I have had it upon waking up almost every day here. So it's probably something else.
I am the only person here besides the guy who owns the place, that does not have painted toenails. I consider this a badge of honor.
I am also the only one attending the retreat with visible tattoos. It makes sense but in my world, this is highly unusual.
I don't know if this is because I am not at work but my introverted-ness has been less triggered here. I have at times kept to myself because I want to work on my own projects, but I have not felt the urge to get away from people. At times I'm downright friendly. Every meal we sit with different people and the conversation is always pleasant.
Today during critique, one of the women disagreed with my impression of a character (I still disagree with her, but whatever) and I was aware that for the first time, I felt an acute hesitation to share my work afterwards. That was the only time someone disagreed with someone's critique. I was being over-sensitive, probably because the format of the critique does not really allow for us to go back and forth and discuss who got it 'right.'
I have only gone to yoga a few times. I also did an afternoon stretch a few days ago which I found really helpful for my hip. Since I wanted to prioritize writing, sometimes I came downstairs to write (and write this blog) before 7am, instead of doing yoga.
I packed really crappily for this trip. I brought books I didn't open, an extra journal I certainly didn't need and cold weather clothes in case it was cold at night (it was not). And I acquired extra crap due to having to buy stuff when my luggage was lost. I still think I can get the two bottle of wine in :)

Okay, that's it for now. This is a picture of (part of) the Kula.

Almost done. Let's talk about food.

I leave tomorrow and I'm going to try to put in one more post before I got to fill in the gaps and reflect and whatever else. It will be riveting I'm sure.
But right now I want to talk about the food. This place is owned by a Dutch guy and the manager and chef are also Dutch (explaining why the website is in Dutch and not in French).
Anouk, the chef, only cooks from what she and her husband gets off her farm. Well, we have been having cheese with breakfast (which is not something I usually do but if you hand me Brie at 8:30am, turns out I'll eat it) which she does not make. But we did have a dish (I forget which one) that had sheep cheese she made. She talked about how when she gets the milk from the sheep, she massages her, so it feels more like an exchange.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Every morning there is a breakfast buffet. There are a few types of bread but there is one I love - it's really dense. There are occasionally things like chocolate croissants, brownies and crepes. But there is always bread, granola, different types of homemade jams, this amazing honey (which is not local), yogurt and about 4-5 types of cheese.
For lunch and dinner we sit at group tables. Before every course Anouk has someone ding a glass and she announces the course. For lunch it's one coarse and a tea that is often made from her spices. For dinner there is an appetizer, (often a soup,) a main course and a dessert. We get two glasses of wine (if we want) with dinner (which I have partook of every day accept for the day I went wine tasting). Everything she has made has been really good. Everyone knows I don't eat peppers but she made something with green and red peppers, and I ate it (I am not going to start eating them at home, so don't get any ideas). Some meals are Italian, Indonesian, French, Indian. That indian meal she made the other night, started out with samosas, the main dish was vegetable curry with rice and chapati and ended with coconut pudding. That was all homemade. There is also an amuse bouche at 5:30, which is good because I'm usually starving by that time.
This is our last day. I was about to say it's my last opportunity to eat that bread but I'll probably have some before the ride to the airport tomorrow. Tonight is our closing dinner. No more awesome vegetarian food for me. But since the meals have been a big part of this retreat, I wanted to share.

Pumpkin Risotto 

Breakfast buffet (good bread in the basket with the blue napkin)

Beet tart with couscous 

Sheppard's Pie? (the top is polenta)

Nectarine filled with almond paste and homemade ice-cream 

Potato Salad (which I don't usually like but this was excellent) and something like a quiche

Vegetable lasagna with spinach and pumpkin (one of the favorites)

Chocolate mousse

I forgot what she called this but it was cheese and dough and reminded me of my grandmother's manicotti 

Homemade cheese cake (this might have been what the sheep gave the milk for)

Brownie with a sweet wine similar to port

Vegetable curry

Olive bread

(again, not a quiche) with zucchini and sweet potato

Yogurt with lemon curt and meringues 

Back at Terra Nova

We have two more days. No more field trips. Yesterday we went wine tasting and I bought two bottles I hope to fit and successfully smuggle in my checked baggage. We had a lovely lunch, during which I partook of the wine pairing and rendered myself semi-comatose. We then when to Rennes to a chateau (not sure about the chateau part) and walked around. I did a very quick walk-through at the Berenger Sauniere museum which presents the story that apparently was the basis for the di Vinici Code (apparently Jesus did not die on the cross).
We returned to a Indian-inspired dinner, which I said was my favorite, until I was reminded of the vegetarian lasagna from the other day. We also did a night write which ended up being a discussion about our projects. I got a lot of encouragement to have a reading to celebrate my chapbook coming out. I might have to look into that.
I'll try to share some writing and food pictures later. I just wrote this between yoga and breakfast.

Narrative writing from Thursday

I am doing this from the horizontal position because I am so tired from today (mostly from all the wine).
The prompt was a postcard with a picture to haute couture fashion.

It was just yesterday that she became permitted to sleep is just bedclothes. Before that, she’d wear a straight-robe in bed as well as during the day. But she was 19 and she’d been sufficiently evaluated as being able to sleep in acceptable fashion: arms by her side, on her back, hands down, hands always down. She found herself cooler in bed, which was disconcerting at first, but then more relaxing. Windows were always kept closed, lest a spring/summer/fall breeze give her any ideas. She’d heard some girls had to wear a straight-robe to bed well into their 20s, but this may have been rumors.

She put it on each morning by 7am. She fastened the buckles across her chest, stomach, hips and upper thighs; she pulled the main cord on the inside of the torso flap to constrict her upper arms. They say the binding of the upper thighs also served the purpose of preventing too long a stride in order to avoid tripping, since the arms were not free enough to break a fall.

She sat at the group table, breakfast already there in tall glasses with straws. They sipped slowly, always stopping short of the point of sucking noisy air from the bottom of the glass.

This morning word of her having transitioned to free-sleep spread through the hall and the others gave her quick nods of approval, when not in the monitors’ line of sight.

She had never been naturally small. At 5’10,” her height was considered an unfortunate inevitability given her mother, who’s purposefully chosen a diminutive man to mate with, in the hopes to counteract the heredity of her own 6’1” frame. Both parent and child were broad, with big bones and thick skin. Because of her size, the straight-robe was especially unforgiving, as the monitors tried as best they could to squeeze her down to a more acceptable size. By this time, its removal was accompanied by a faint ache in her ribs and hips that had gotten used to the ubiquitous pressure and holding the robe provided. If the body could talk, it would say it wouldn’t know where it was if not for the straight-robe constantly locating it. At 19, she was surely done growing, and with the damage of puberty done, she’s spend the next few years endeavoring to tighten the robe further and further; shrinking had become something of an endurance sport, if such sport had the consequence of making one at all acceptable to the entire village.

Only the elders were able to operate the windows. They alone had enough experience to avert their eyes from the view. Each morning, it was their job to air out the dining hall, the classrooms, the hallways. It was their last jobs before they were retired to a restful solitude in the upper towers of the institution.

This particular morning, a window was left open by one elder in particular. Rumors abound; some said she was getting old and senile. But others said she left the window open on purpose, realizing that was the time of her life when such oversights would not be harshly punished. Whatever the reason, the window was open and our 19-year-old, who’d just graduated to free-sleep, who’d just slurped her breakfast, allowed her gaze to linger on a pigeon, that had perched itself on the sill, looking at her in the eye, as no one had before.

Thursday etc

You have no idea how much this wifi sucks....
Nevertheless, she persisted.

It's remarkable how much more I am enjoying this experience when I am not calling Air France during break times to inquire about my luggage. Some of the women here have offered to give me their receipts so I can submit them to Air France to get reimbursed for expenses while I was without my things. They shared their toiletries and offered me their clothes. At least I won't have to rush and do laundry when I get home, since I barely will have time to wear most of my stuff.

Yesterday we went to Carcassonne and to the fortress there. We were there for less than two hours so didn't have a lot of time. We got to the fortress less than an hour before closing time, so ran through quick. Afterwards, I was hungry and bought some overpriced nougat that was really, really sugary (not just sweet, sugary) and magnets and a souvenir for someone special.
After, we went on a dinner cruise on the Midi Canal. (Yes, we were given blue champagne.) I ate duck by accident. It was good but I still think duck looks like raw organ meet.
The writing is going well. I am not writing as I normally do but I'm still enjoying it. I must say, everyone is really nice. It's pretty impressive when you get 15 people together and no one is annoying, but that is in fact that case. Oh, and people keep thinking I am younger than I am, by a lot. I think it's because I have had my hair up and they can't see my gray. That, and besides the one woman who is 31, everyone is in their 50s to 70s.
One of the women just came back from a walk. I am allowing myself this time to not be physically active. I'll go back to the 6day/week gym schedule next week. Now I am spending my free time working on my poetry and reading. I lay around and read, I write this blog, which takes 3x the time it should. Tonight I get a massage that has been described as 'disappointing' and more of a rub-down than a massage. It's fine. It's only 40 euros. I had even considered the horse coaching, which it seems that everyone is doing except me. But there are no slots left. It's probably good I save money. Tomorrow is the only part of the trip (besides that massages and horse coaching) that was not automatically included in the price of the retreat. We are wine tasting in a cave. I think we are going to a castle after.

Yesterday we did 3 parts of a 4-part exercise that actually really does interest me. I won't bore you with the details. This is the most Delia-type thing I've written during our writes. Today I wrote fiction that was well-received but I think perhaps derivative, and could be part of a novel if I had any idea where to go with it. Maybe I will share that later.

Unbeknownst to
downtrodden dude or
deflated waiter, you
order the poetry conversation.
Twenty percent sit cross-legged
but never admit a doughnut.
The parking lot compensates
for steak, north of the
city. Suggest the skirt
has a car, is a charming
passenger, discovers
fun trunks. The
word "good" literally
never admits there
is a way to look charming.
Go on a date, fun with
a doughnut, perhaps
dinner changes the
walk back to watch
the city deflate. Sit,
because said-dude is a
salad, and feels
slighted by a steak,
tips the conversation
under the floor of
his trunk.

LUGGAGE!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!

write from last night

The prompt was 'write the world you live in.'

The overall rules of the writes are that all things are considered fiction.

The following piece briefly describes urinating and has sexual references. So skip it if you don't want to hear such things from your daughter/sister/friend/niece. . . 

There is a nasty looking spider in my bathroom. I don't want to be derogatory. I just mean it's big enough that I can clearly see all its legs and the bends in all its knee joints.

I know spiders don't have knees, but you know what I mean.

If it falls from the ceiling while I'm peeing, it will not land on me, and I'll have ample time to stop mid-stream, pull up my underwear and exit before it has time to scamper over to me.

This give me some peace at least.

I've come to not like bathrooms. They all have mirrors in them. I have enough mirrors - mirrors on the inside, mirrors on my fingers, mirrors in the gaze of others, mirrors in the non-gaze of others. I suppose the spider gives me a vacation from myself. I mean, I'm on vacation, but some things we take with us.

It is always this way- the mind is so crowded all the time. It's as if it's filled with furniture, and as I'm walking to the kitchen to get a glass of water, I'll inevitably smack my shin on the sharp angled edge of some fresh anxiety that juts out and spoils the trip.

For instance, I could be in the middle of a perfectly decent sexual fantasy but right when we're about to take our clothes off, we accidentally push ourselves through one of those sexy hotel windows and plummet to our deaths, completely spoiling the mood.

And for a quick aside, I'd like to mention I hear a faint tapping coming vaguely from the direction of the bathroom ceiling. In my mind, it's the spider, tapping its foot, while devising an evil plot against me. 

I know spiders don't have feet, but still. . .

I think it's safe to say all the mind-furniture is getting in the way of life journeys, both mental and actual. It's hard to really enjoy a rainbow when one is fixated on the presentation at work next week. It's really hard to enjoy a presentation at work, as if such a thing is even possible, when one has already imagined being labeled incompetent for the last three weeks. 

This all to say I don't like bathrooms with all the mirrors.

And I wish the spider didn't bother me so much. Which is to say, I wish that things you'd think were much smaller than me were not so scary.

I'd like to live in a world without spiders and without presentations at work and without big sexy hotel windows. Maybe there's part of me that would like to steer clear of lovers and rainbows as well. I've learned I could only avoid smacking my shin on the furniture in my mind, if I didn't first have a home to live in.

This metaphor might be going off the rails at this point.

I will say this - tonight I'll be back in that bathroom. The first thing I'll do is check to see if the spider has moved. I'll brush my teeth without looking in the mirror, I'll pee, all the while, with eyes towards the ceiling. Then I'll go to bed, after having taken down my hair and taken off my clothes in the dark. You can extract whatever meaning from that that you'd like.

trying to get this in before the wifi goes out

It has been lovely here. The women I am writing with are kind. Julie Maloney (in the pic below), who runs the retreat is really warm and easy to be around. The food is really. really good.
And I still don't have my luggage. I just washed my hair for the first time since Saturday morning before I left home. I'd wanted to wait until my shampoo got here but that didn't happen yesterday and I was starting to look like someone had rubbed a pork chop on my head. At this point it's no exaggeration to say I've spent hours trying to get my stuff back. Yesterday, it was given to a courier and the courier won't track it without a reference number and 2 more called to Air France has not produced a reference number. So my bag, and the bag of my retreat-mate Patty, is with a courier somewhere in France, with no way to locate it. At this point it's affecting my sleep. And I can't imagine it's doing much for my writing. I am starting to mentally say goodbye to the many things in that suitcase that were not expensive, but in no way can be replaced. And it just occurred to me about 4am this morning I'll have to get another night guard made.
Enough about that. Tuesday we spent the whole day here. I went to yoga, we wrote, I had a gentle foot massage, I went to the pool (courtesy of someone lending me a bathing suit) and did not swim (because, as you may know from earlier blogs, I'm a shitty swimmer). There was an evening stretch but I didn't partake.
Yesterday we wrote again, as we will every morning. I have decided to stop trying to get these writing prompts to fit my project and have fallen into writing mostly prose/fiction like mostly everyone else. It's way to much mental juggling to get in touch with my own process while and trying to negotiate a prompt and begin surrounded by other people who write very concretely. I try to write towards my project on my free time and it's probably not going that well. If I am feeling brave, I'll share something I wrote last night during a group write.
Also yesterday, we went on a hike to the Camino de Santiago which is the pilgrimage route to the shrine of the apostle St James in Spain. There are routes all over Europe and I guess this is one of the main ones. We really just went to look at the view and see the Pyrenees in the background (the mountain range that is between France and Spain). We came back and had a 'night write' after dinner, which is when I wrote the afore mentioned piece.
There is an option here to do a horse therapy session, where apparently you go hang with the horses and let them read your energy and do some kind of healing dance or something. So far three have done it- two had very good experiences and one had a negative experience. I didn't get details but apparently one had the horses surround her and then one rolled on the ground for her (that was one of the positive experiences). I don't feel as judgmental about it as a probably sound. But I won't be doing it. I am getting a massage tomorrow. And today we go to Carcassonne and eat dinner on a boat.
The dog below is named Luna (when I was a kid and played D&D my first character was Luna the Cleric). The room is where we write.
I'm not again on hold with Air France after being disconnected the first time. They have the most obnoxious on-hold music of all time and I'm pretty sure it's going to be stuck in my head for the rest of my life.

No sleep, slightly better wifi

In my usual travel-abroad fashion, the first night I slept like the dead. And tonight I've been awake since 1am. It's now about 4:30am and I'm about the junk the entire sleep-monday-night project entirely. I thought I would try to share a piece (in progress) from my Prague project. Hope the formatting works:

LIFE                                                   ART

Hair in a bandana                                        Sutures this mouth kiss

for writers to procrastinate                       All babies feed off one

to avoid an                                           empty belly

unfortunate connection between              trains

bandanas and pubic hair                           I’ll crush you

to avoid failure      all little army men

I stumbled into                                      Satan vs pervert

the Astronomical clock’s bigger than your

unreliable wifi war facade

and economic                                        bubblegum horses for

Texans sharing the Trojan 

short stay apartment breakfast catapult

A challenge is   a skull like a stopper

threatening  to self serving a peach umbilical cord to

esteem not  the messiah on Mars with

damp sweaty sandals no eyelids

for learning an extra sheepish

opportunity reading a penis like tea

the smokers still leave

(look) like smokers breasts like

stomach stings from                               a telescopes opens like

nougatty                                                 babies with switchblades 

techno became musak in their bonnets

I waited for them to turn to blob-fish

afternoon staying in                                   like spun glass

the tourist area                                       creepy sausage

my head smells                                      in the drawers 

lost in the road system of my fat rolls

I’m tired of cleaning myself                   with bleeding forks

Ok the formatting got a little jacked up but it's meant to be read in columns or straight across.

I am hoping to find a way to write towards my projects that doesn't always involve me getting up at 5am. When we do our workshopping, she gives us writing prompts, and although these things are always open, it's difficult for me to settle in the headspace of what I want to write when I've been given instructions to write something else.

Oh, apropos of absolutely nothing, I get a foot massage today. Yay!!

I also had a rather sweet conversation with the woman running this retreat- she asked me why I was so hungry and I had to explain that because I work out a lot, I tend to need more food than.... well some other people. (and the emergency Clif Bars I packed are, you guessed it, in my lost luggage). She told me to tell the chef to give me more food. I haven't had the nerve to do it yet. I heard my luggage, with my Clif Bars, is arriving today. The food has been really yummy though. 

I think it's safe to say I won't be sleeping through yoga this morning :) 

These are pictures of the breakfast buffet, the market and one of the dresses I bought because I have no clothes. 

Trying to settle in and figure out this app

I must say, the whole flying experience was quite pleasant. The couple sitting next to me on their way to Prague were friendly, but not too friendly. Those things in my airline chicken that I feared were maggots were probably just onions. I am reading Jeffery R Allen's latest novel (check out Rails Under my Back if you are in the mood to read one of Delia's favorite novels) and I got a ton of knitting done. Both flights were smooth, even though that 2nd plane was too small for my taste (anything that gets boarded by moving staircase gives me pause).
Then we got the 'bad news' that no luggage made it on the plane. The tracking system is down at the Amsterdam Airport (for just KLM?) and so a shitload of luggage is now missing. Another woman at this retreat is also luggage-less.
But I met my group and we drove back to this lovely retreat center. It's called Terra Nova Wellness Center and we are taking up the whole thing. There is a vegetarian chef (so much for my concern that I would spend the week eating fattening French food) who makes everything from stuff grown in the nearby farm. The food is very good and I hope to show you some pictures. Sorry mom, she just explained that she categorically does not use recipes. She states she cooks 'intuitively,' just like grandma!
There are horses for Equine therapy. I just heard one nearby. There is also a masseuse. I already scheduled a foot massage and a regular massage. at 40euros each, it's one of the few things that seem not as expensive as in the states.
I went into this trip with zero anxiety, and because anxiety is often what fills my mental space, this trip was not filling much mental space. that is probably a good thing because I am attending these writing workshops that are likely not geared towards my kind of writing. I don't feel a lot of attachment to what I get 'done' here. I came here to start my gender deconstruction project. I also brought both my Thailand and my Prague projects with me. Alas, they are both in my luggage, which I just confirmed is awaiting flight from Amsterdam to Toulouse and will hopefully be here tomorrow morning.
Today we did have a field trip to a market and I bought some toiletries and a couple of dresses to hold me over. the very nice women here have been offering me underwear and bathing suits- I will likely not take advantage (I hope I don't have to).

I'm doing this on my phone because the wifi sucks

hi everyone
This is just to let you know I arrived safely, although without luggage. The airport in Amsterdam is having technical problems and so everyone's luggage is lost. Not convenient.
I can't write a lot because we are going to a market which will be my only chance to buy all the toiletries I'm missing. Oh and I missed yoga this morning because I slept until 8:20, which is unheard of for me.
It's beautiful here and everyone is really nice.
More later.

Look familiar?

Kind of looks like the random luggage picture I sent in May of last year, when I was on my way to Prague.
Well now I'm on my way to France. The Cathar region to be precise (I have no idea what the Cathar region is, but I'm about to spend 10 days there).

This is what I am doing:
http://www.womenreadingaloud.org/retreat-calendar.html

Anyway, it's a writing and yoga retreat, although I am much more interested in the writing. There will also be wine tasting, a couple of day trips, something involving a canal, food (I'm assuming kinda Frenchy food). And there is going to be sun. I'm getting a little tired of this Fogust (I just learned this term) nonsense in SF. I looked up the weather and it's in the 80s every day.
There will probably not be as much to blog ABOUT since I won't be gallivanting all over the place. But I will check in from time to time to update you all and share some pictures.

Enjoy!!!